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Mar. 21st, 2004

Raja
ok, so this is officially my last public entry in this name (for awhile at least.) I'm sick of some of the petty people i talk to on this site, and I really don't feel like sharing any part of me with these assholes, so now it'll be friends only. if you're someone i know who wants to be on my friends list, i guess you could probably comment on an old journal entry and i can add you. i may also be making some of my past entries into 'friends only' entries so..yeah! this shouldn't affect most of you, so I wouldn't worry about it. unless i don't like you. then you can worry. if you want.

Mar. 20th, 2004

Raja
life defeats me. I feel too weary to be depressed, to weary to be happy, to weary to be much of anything, least of all myself. I don't know the HALF of who I am. i'm questioning what intelligence I had thought I had. I just need to move into a happier sphere of living, because i'm so worn I'm tearing.

Mar. 19th, 2004

Raja
I feel like vomiting. I feel like death. I feel like depression. I feel like this is the worst day I've had in a long time. I feel like I've said that fifty times this month, and I feel like that's not okay.

Mar. 19th, 2004

Raja
i post too damn much.
Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Emotional Stability ||||||||| 30%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Liveliness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Dutifulness ||||||||| 26%
Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 42%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Introversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Independence ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Tension ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Take Free 16pf based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com



i'm also an INFP in the meyer-briggs test (if you know psych or soc, you know what i'm talking about.) I think this will become a friends journal so if you're REALLY adamant about reading this and you're not on my friends list, just e-mail me or something.

i'm addicted

Raja
I must have an addictive personality...actually, that's not that shocking. addictive in some ways at least. but i am currently ADDICTED, like can't stay away, I go through withdrawals, addicted to libraries and books. I'm reading 6 or 7 books right now. A psych book (about psychotic writers,) an analysis of sylvia plath's writing, ariel, birthday letters, an anne sexton biography, a sylvia plath biography, and an analysis/interviews w/ anne sexton. damn! but i love it. i feel so intellectually stimulated. i've read a shit load of books this year already, and it's only 1/4th the way through! i've been in a decent, if not somewhat manic/anxious, mood lately, so I feel very unjustified in seeking medication for a mood disorder that has mysteriously receded. it's probably just a random up-point or something, it wouldn't make sense for a year and 8 month bout of depression to just randomly dissolve. but i still feel kind of stupid for going to a psychiatrist now, because what if i get prescribed something and then i don't even need it? I don't know, I have such a problem with always having to feel justified. I wrote a poem today that I really like. I'm sure it needs editing, but all writing does.

I want to live onCollapse )

i think i might start making my journal a "friends only" thing, because there are too many assholes reading it, and it's easier to ignore them if they have nothing to comment on. their stupidity frustrates me, but I don't bother to respond because they're so convinced that they're right that I figure, why shatter their fragile glass world? it reflects images of themselves and their egos grow to mass proportions. good for them. if i were a nazi, i'd burn the assholes. luckily i'm just a wannabe-poet.

Mar. 17th, 2004

Raja
should pose nude



You Should Pose Nude... And You Know It!


You're body is smokin'. Hot. It will not quit.

Maybe it's the product of genetics, hard work, or surgery.

No matter. You've got the boobs and butt men love to look at.

Keep it to yourself? That would be a major crime!



Should You Pose Nude... Or Keep It To Yourself?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva



i bet i'll get some sarcastic comments about this...yay!:)

loooooooooooook

Raja
just got back from therapy. so i'm finally going to a psychiatrist to a) get officially diagnosed (as i could have one of 3 or 4 possible disorders, and I'd like to get some clarity on that) and b)to get medication. Because feeling suicidal this often is not okay, or normal, or fun. so yeah. I got rejected by this literary journal called "hazmat review". I'm not daring enough for them. so, as much as i'm trying not to take rejections to heart, sometimes i wonder if i should just quit writing, or at least lose the hope of getting published, cause there are TONS of good writers out there. what makes me any different? nothing really. nothing at all. i took a stupid online IQ test today and got 144. that's a point below genius. however, i'm very skeptical about the test's validity. but it'd be cool if i were really that smart. oh, and i need to finish watching cabaret. it feels like the weekend...i wish it were friday already. damnit, i NEED spring break.
Raja
damn this is a good mix CD. I can't remember if I made it or Sam did, but it's good either way. you better all have a DAMN fun st. patrick's day! DAMNIT! here, have a poem. but don't keep it. cause it's mine.

i had fun writing that in math class. i dunno, sometimes i really like doing rhyming, rhythmic poems. i'm not sure that they're that GOOD, but they can sound cool. i like this one, i guess mostly because i have a hard time doing story poems or poems about something i know little to nothing about, and this was just some random thing that popped into my head. so...yeah. it's fucking NICE out. and i'm really tired so maybe i'll sleep?


oh yeah, and the readaholic thing is because i finished choke on monday night. it took me like 3 days...not that it was an extremely long or challenging book, but i've just been reading like NO other. i have 3 books to read at any one given time. YES! literature ROCKS bitches. it's fucking ill. (ill is my new word. it's so wiggishly dorky, i love it)

Hi, my name is Quinn, and I'm a readaholic...'Hi Quinn!'Collapse )

Mar. 16th, 2004

Raja
holy shit. i am an aunt! that is so cool...i'm sure tons of you out there have already experienced the aunt/uncle thing, but...I don't know, I'm a dork and I'm really excited about it. The baby (my niece!) is just adorable, and my brother makes a cute (albeit kind of young) dad. I just home he can figure out the deal w/ Jaime and that everything get's worked out. but i can't WAIT to see the baby! in person that is. she has SO much black hair. this is definitely not helping my recent baby lust. my brother keeps sneezing in his sleep. i got a great deal on some pants and thongs (which were sorely needed), and it's nice to have some new clothes. anyway, this is very docile and boring i'm sure compared to my other entries sooo i'm done!

Mar. 16th, 2004

Raja
oh, and one last thing, while I'm on this angry tangent. Why do people assume that if they tell me to cut, I'll do it? I KNOW people don't care if I mutilate or not. And I don't really care anymore. It's one of my many coping mechanisms, but it's MINE. I decide when, where, and how. I am the one who decides how i bleed. I just laugh when people say shit like that, trying to piss me off by telling me to cut. Okay, fine, I'm sure I'll get around to it, when I fucking feel like it. I don't care if you don't care because I don't care about you.
"cut cut cut"-Lance

"your blood is wine to me"-Chris

"silence"-mostly everyone else in my life
OR
"::sounds of cutting::"-the numerous other people in my life who cut