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slowly wasting away in margaritaville

I think it's really fucking ridiculous how people will do ANYTHING to be a rebel. I just think it's pathetic when all people do is try and go against the grain, even if it's not necessarily what they believe in, JUST so they'll get attention and get a rise out of people. I, by no means, think that everyone should conform to everyone else (although it's impossible not to in at least some aspects) but people who act like assholes for no reason (see: Lance, see: Jeff(s), see: hopefully not soon to be kaley)...well i guess it is for a reason. to be different. knowing THEY stick out because they're being jerks when the norm is to be nice to fellow man, well, that makes them feel secure. they convince themselves that they don't give a shit what other people feel about them...maybe that's the case, but in some small way I'm sure they care. it just takes a lot more to get to their deeper, darker, softer parts, but they're always there. I'm sure I'll get some idiotic response from Lance saying "hey, that's not how I am at all!" whatever. He can't assume that he's a GENIUS about psychology and that no one else knows shit about it. cause sorry, but that's a BIG field and the same people that he's analyzing are analyzing him right back. his obsession with analyzation is, in itself, an issue, but I don't think he gets that. And he assumes that I said kaley was shallow without reading her livejournal. that's not it at all. after reading that conversation (that he posted in his LJ) between him and kaley where they were making fun of christina, I was ridiculously pissed off, because that's absolutely cruel. 1) It shouldn't matter how she, or I, or anyone else looks. I could see someone bringing up weight if it was an OBESITY issue that was seriously endangering their health, but there's a big difference between obese and over-weight (say...100 pounds differce.) So seeing people as flawed for their outward appearance (which they can't entirely help, seeing as how genetics play into that..I'm never going to be skinny, I know that, but obviously lance and kaley don't realize it. at least lance doesn't) is VERY shallow. And what's even more ridiculous is that Kaley WAS (i say was because there's no way she still is) friends with Christina, and at one point I was under the impression that they had almost dated. I could be wrong on that fact, but it still stands that they were good friends for a long time. You just DON'T do shit like that to your friends, especially if they haven't done anything to you. I can recognize some of my friends flaws, but I'm not going to make fun of them for it behind their backs. An issue that christina may not have even cared about or acknowledged may easily become a BIG problem in her life now because of two utterly cruel, disrespectful, and pathetically shallow people. I can't say for sure that it will be a big issue for christina, but using common sense (and from talking to her) it seems like it might be. Everytime I think about that conversation I get so pissed off...these people, trying to be so deep, are shallow as hell but just don't realize it. It's sad, I think. I'm not going to say that i'm the deepest person in the world, but I know for a fact that i'm nowhere NEAR as shallow as them and nowhere near as cruel or ridiculously "rebellious." Anyway, that was a tangent. I would be worried about pissing people off but for once i'm NOT going to try and "nice" this up for them. I could go on pointing out their flaws if I wanted, but I won't, because I don't see a reason to. I don't want to perpetuate self-esteem issues or point out every little fucking rotten imperfect detail because those differences are what make people interesting, and it's hard as hell to be individual in this crumbling society. I'm sure everyone's lost interest in this now so I'll wrap it up. Oh yeah, and I do apologize to Kaley for (in the past) pathetically bugging her about stuff about Chris. That was a stupid thing to do, I realized then and realize now but I do acknowledge that and wanted to bring that up.
update on my current mood: utter confusion. I'm in this state where i'm not quite manic, not quite depressed, not quite alive, DEFINITELY not sleeping (another hellish night of sleeplessness last night) but not tired so much as just unreal. everything feels so ugly and hateful and pointed, and i feel numbed. i feel like i'm floating 100 feet above, watching everything but registering nothing. all i know is that this is NOT a good feeling. I wish it were. glass is never sharp enough. my head and neck hurts and it's back to class so i'll sign off. apologies to all the innocent people who had to scroll through my painfully long post.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
sporadicpurple
Mar. 20th, 2004 07:14 pm (UTC)
heh. the christina/fat thing.
i did used to be friends with christina.
very good friends.
we did almost date. probably would have if she wasn't dating rob at the time.
but that was when our personalities were very similar. we got along amazingly well. but no longer do i think it's 'cute' when she walks into a room with a loud announcement about herself or what someone 'should' do for her. or her personality in general. which is why i'm basically not sorry about insulting her. not because i'm SHALLOW. because i don't like her anymore. and she doesn't like me. which is perfectly fine with me.
what people don't realize is that i don't have friends.i don't feel or have an obligation to defend anyone out of friendship or even kindness. which may make me a total bitch. (probably does.) but that's fine. i just don't think it's worth it. i'd rather be cruelly honest than a liar, even for good. because one of the most disgusting things i've seen was a group of girls telling athena she was not fat. and that girl is unhealthily obese. goddamn.
also, basically, i don't make fun of my friends' flaws behind their backs because, as i said, i don't have friends. therefore i obviously wouldn't be hurt if people were saying shit about me because they wouldn't be my friends. but i wouldn't make fun of friends behind their backs at all, if i had them. i KNOW what that's LIKE. it sucks, it's painful, it's shitty. also, i would be more upset that anyone was saying shit about me, because a)if they have something they want to bring up with me, DO IT TO MY FACE. and b)i honestly do want to know my flaws so i can change them.

thank you for the apology. it's fine. i understand. you were one of dozens giving me shit about him, it's cool.

by the way
i honestly don't give a crap about how christina looks. which is kind of sad because i don't give a crap about her at all anymore. sorry to be cruel, but not sorry to be honest.
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